Pals Quits Politics

Back on Medication, He's "All Better Now"

March 18, 1998 -- Erstwhile "perennial candidate" Marlin Pals announced today that he is quitting politics for good. "I'm thinking much more clearly now that I'm back on my medication. I realize what a mistake it was to even consider running for Congress. I must have been crazy."

Indeed, most political insiders agree that Pals's frequent, embarrassing attempts to run for public office indicated a severe mental disorder, for which he is at last getting the treatment he has long needed.

"That whole business about the Omaha World Herald making Senator Zorinsky dance to his death . . ." Pals sighed. "Jeez. What was I thinking?"

Pals took the opportunity to debunk some of his crazier ideas, and issue a general apology to all those he embarrassed over the years.

"First of all, I would like to offer my humblest apology to the Omaha World Herald. No, they did not kill Ed Zorinsky by making him dance to his death. It sounds absurd now that I'm lucid again, but at one time I did honestly believe that nonsense. I would like to say that my mental disability made it impossible for me to think clearly for the last 25 or 30 years, but I realize that is no excuse. I've hurt people with my words, and for that I am truly and deeply sorry."

Pals also apologized to the Lincoln Police Department ("No, they did not murder Candy Harms, they are not all pedophiles, and Renteria got what he deserved"), the FBI ("I never actually saw J. Edgar Hoover wearing women's clothing, and should not have reported such"), and Ernie Chambers ("a good man who's name I have tarnished by its association with me.")

Pals vowed to dedicate the remainder of his days to "doing good works." To that end, he has registered as a Republican, and has announced his intention to join the Kiwanis, "if they'll have me." Pals also promised to buy a subscription to the Omaha World Herald.

"It's such a relief to be thinking clearly again," he concluded.