Pals Campaign Remains in "Low Gear"

March 2 Filing Deadline Looms

February 20, 1998 -- With the May primaries fast approaching, the Pals Congressional Campaign remains in a "low profile" mode. As of this date, Pals has yet to announce his candidacy, or even file the necessary paperwork required to get his name on the ballot. Pals has run (unsuccessfully) in nine consecutive democratic primaries. Although unconfirmed, this is believed to be a record.

Pals could not be reached for comment, but it is believed that he is aware of the March 2 filing deadline. "I assume he knows," said one insider. "But, come to think of it, he really hasn't said anything about it. It would be a shame if he forgot, I guess."

Campaign analysts, keeping a close "round the clock" watch on Pals and his campaign, confirm that he has not discussed the matter with acquaintances or co-workers. Stated one well-placed observer, "The campaign seems to be a non-issue. Pals has not discussed it with anyone, day or night. He has had no telephone conversations about it, nor any correspondence. He has not even muttered about it to himself, which is very unusual."

Two former Pals associates, identified only as "Deb and Joe," were down-beat in their assessment of the 98 Campaign. According to Deb, "The votes simply aren't there. Delaying the announcement until the last minute seemed like a sound strategy at first. Or at least a good gimmick. The plan was to build some excitement, by making the announcement a highly-anticipated event. Turns out no one was really anticipating it at all, or even paying any attention. To tell you the truth, I don't think anyone out there even knows who Marlin Pals is."

"Or cares," added Joe. "And the few who do know him think he's a loony, or a weirdo, or some kind of freak."

"Or just a pathetic old geezer," continued Deb. "This is all off the record, right?"

Although many are pessimistic about the 98 Campaign, long-time Pals confidante Ann B. Davis was outspoken in her optimism and praise of Pals. "He will be announcing his candidacy any day now," gushed Davis. "And then, he's going to propose to me. This year, it really is going to happen."

Davis confirmed that Pals's campaign platform for Election 98 will be much the same as in previous campaigns, with a focus on tighter regulation of the media in all areas involving their harassment of him, along with a radical reform of the tax code ("raising taxes to the max"). This year, however, Pals is expected to place "more emphasis than usual" on his plan to disband law-enforcement at all levels, and have all policemen put to death.