PALS INVESTIGATES FBI, POLICE

Finds Crud, Blood

From the November 5, 1997 Issue of the Independent Advocate:

After an exhaustive, years-long investigation into the abuses of "law enforcement agents everywhere," Marlin Pals has released the following findings (announced in the November 5, 1997 issue of the Independent Advocate:

FBI Abuses

The FBI (with the assistance of the Lincoln Police Department) caused Pals to fall off his bicycle: During the recent snow-storm, Pals slipped on the "most slippery" ice he has ever encountered. He has ridden on ice a lot because the FBI has vandalized his cars and deprived him of automotive transportation. He has learned from experience "the skill which the FBI has in using cars as weapons." In this instance, the FBI employed a mass of unmarked vehicles to steer him across treacherous patches of ice into a pot hole.

The FBI vandalized the gear-shifter on Pals' bicycle: In a related incident, FBI agents recently caused the shifter on Pals' bicycle to stop functioning. This did not prevent him from riding his bicycle, but did limit his manouverability, leading to the pot-hole incident/assassination attempt.

The FBI has been involved in countless assassinations: "I can personally guarantee that the FBI murdered John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X and John Lennon, to name a few," states Pals.

FBI Terrorist Activity: Pals has learned that the FBI bombed the New York Expo and the Oklahoma City Federal Building, and blew up Korean Flight 007 (which was set up to explode over Russian territory, so that it would appear that it had been shot down). The FBI also blew up the safe in a hardware store where Pals worked part-time in 1963. It is not known whether this is related to an incident in which Pals threatened to blow up a record store in Lincoln in 1989. Pals did not carry out his threat.

The FBI and the Mafia: The FBI denied the existence of the Mafia in exchange for the Mafia not revealing that J. Edgar Hoover was a homosexual.

FBI Interference with the operation of small, independent newspapers: Pals is reluctant to give any examples of this for fear of reprisals.

If elected, Congressman Pals will do everything in his power to abolish the FBI. "I can personally guarantee to you that the money this nation has spent on the FBI could easily pay off the national debt and leave us with a surplus which is double the amount of the current debt." By abolishing the FBI, it is presumed that the need for "raising taxes to the max" to wipe out the national debt will be lessened. Pals has not yet announced any concessions on his tax-increase policy however.

(Recent) Police Abuses

Continued Attempts on Pals' Life: On December 2, 1996, and again on January 24, 1997, the Police attempted to run Pals over while he was riding his bicycle. Only recently did he learn that their actions were in fact directed by the FBI (see above).

Pedophilia and Satan Worship: Police agents have revealed to Pals that "all cops are pedophiles and Satan worshippers." They kidnap children (such as Johnny Gosch in Des Moines) and use them in their satanic rituals. "Candice Harms was kidnapped, raped, murdered and butchered by such cops," asserts Pals.

If elected, Congressman Pals will no doubt use whatever influence he has to free Roger Bjorkland, and bring the real killers of Candy Harms (and other victims of police violence) to justice. If this involves sentencing every Lincoln Police Officer to death, "so be it." In the meantime, Pals urges parents to warn their children to stay away from cops and "run screaming for help if a cop approaches them."

A final thought:

"One additional aspect of the hit I received this past weekend was that on the following day when I slept my mouth filled with blood. I have bad sinuses which fill my mouth with crud when I sleep, but not blood. This past weekend I awoke with a mouthful of blood. The bleeding stopped as mysteriously as it had begun. It is obvious to me that I'm on the path to the truth about the FBI."